For Muslims, Courtship Enabled by the internet

For Muslims, Courtship Enabled by the Internet (washingtonpost.com)

On Faith
For Muslims, Courtship Enabled by the Internet

By David Cho
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, June 6, 2004; Page C01

Dating and flirting on the internet by muslims. “A lot of islam is patience”

For Muslims, Courtship Enabled by the Internet

 

By David Cho
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, June 6, 2004; Page C01

Mukarram Shah wants to get married, but finding a spouse has been a challenge.

Like many Washington area singles, the 32-year-old Gaithersburg resident has
a demanding job that leaves him with little time to socialize — he works 60
hours a week as a computer database engineer.

But the biggest obstacle to meeting eligible women is his religion. As a
Muslim, Shah is not allowed to date. Islamic law forbids any kind of physical
intimacy between a man and a woman before marriage, as well as any rendezvous
that could lead to such contact.

So how will he find love? Shah is pinning his hopes on
Zawaj.com.

The Web site is one of dozens offering matchmaking services to Muslim men and
women. For a monthly fee, the sites provide chat rooms where Muslim singles can
get to know each other without violating the teachings of their faith.

"Without these Web sites, what are my chances of meeting people? None," Shah
said. "It’s just a way to come across people with the [same] religion and
culture. . . . It makes it easier. And obviously, you are not going to do any
physical stuff."

Like other online dating services, the Muslim Web sites ask their members to
post photos, biographical profiles and descriptions of what they are looking for
in a spouse. But instead of moving quickly to the dating stage, the user of a
Muslim site typically spends weeks or months exchanging comments online with a
potential mate before deciding whether to seek a meeting.

The next step is for the couple to meet in the presence of family members,
friends or the leader of a mosque. If that goes well, they will set up other
chaperoned meetings that could lead to an engagement. They are not allowed to be
alone together until after they are engaged.

Shah has met four women in the two years he has been using Zawaj.com and
other sites. The first three relationships did not work out, he said, but the
fourth woman is someone he would like to see again. He started Internet contact
with her in October and flew to Los Angeles last weekend for their first
meeting, spending six hours with her and her parents.

"It’s a very good prospect. I made a follow-up call, and I’m waiting to hear
from them," Shah said last week.

Not all Muslims interpret the rule against social interaction with the
opposite sex in the same way. But there is wide consensus among U.S. Muslim
clergy that Western-style dating is forbidden, and many even disapprove of a
social telephone conversation between a man and a woman because "the voice can
be sexually arousing," said Yvonne Haddad, a professor of the history of Islam
at Georgetown University.

The matrimonial Web sites, however, are quickly gaining acceptance even among
conservative Muslims, according to Islamic scholars and local imams.

Imam Yahya Hendi, Muslim chaplain at Georgetown, said he has received many
requests to serve as an intermediary for Muslim couples who have gotten to know
each other through the Web, and he has rarely heard anyone in the Muslim
community object to the online courtships.

"There are few other ways to be intimate without being inappropriate, no
doubt," he said. The Web sites "give opportunity for people across the spectrum
from all backgrounds, from all locations to meet and engage in an open, honest
discussion without violating what they believe would be the rules of Islam."

Traditionally, single Muslim men and women have learned about prospective
spouses through family connections. If a man noticed an eligible woman in a
public setting — at a workplace or a mosque, for example — he would then try
to arrange a chaperoned meeting, usually by contacting her parents. The Internet
system gives single adults more independence and control in the courtship
process, although parents still play an important role in approving an
engagement.

Zawaj.com, based in Oakland, Calif., is one of the oldest of the Web sites.
Its founder, Wael Abdelgawad, said 30,000 Muslims have signed up since he
launched the service in 1998, and about 6,000 use the site on any given day.

Abdelgawad said about half of the site’s members live in the United States,
and a significant number are in Canada and Britain. But the site also has
members in predominantly Muslim countries, including Indonesia, Saudi Arabia and
other parts of the Middle East, he said.

Zawaj means "marriage" in Arabic. Another popular site is
Naseeb.com, which was launched last year (naseeb
means "fulfilling one’s destiny" in Arabic).

The Internet conversations, by putting the emphasis on a love interest’s
personality and mind rather than on his or her looks, are very much in tune with
Muslim culture, Abdelgawad added.

"It’s not about falling in love; it’s about meeting someone who is compatible
and has the same goals in life and then getting married," he said. "Love grows,
if you have things in common and you have the same goals in life. The whole
concept of falling in love and the romantic whirlwind, it’s a Western concept
and it’s a concept that doesn’t necessarily exist in the Muslim world."

Hana Baba, a radio talk show host for the Sterling-based Islamic Broadcasting
Network, said she and her future husband spent years talking to each other
online about current events and theological issues before he finally asked if
they could meet.

Despite the nontraditional way they met, her mother was excited about the
match, Baba said.

"We got to see the whole inside of each other before the outside," she said.
"It’s really an acceptable alternative — it’s Internet dating Islamic-style.
And the parents are okay with it, as long as you are not touching and doing
stuff."

Sara Siddiqui, 28, of Crystal City said her mother, who lives in Pakistan,
signed her up on muslimmatrimonial.com.

"My mom is actually the one who is screening [the men]; I’m too busy," said
Siddiqui, an admissions adviser at Devry University. "In this country, everyone
is so spread out, and we can’t really date . . . so the sites are a big
breakthrough because, for someone in my situation, it hasn’t been easy to meet
someone."

Using an online service is no guarantee of success, of course. Siddiqui had
three words to describe her encounters so far: "Not too good."

Adults who work with Islamic youth also note that the Web sites do not
address the problems faced by Muslim American teenagers, who are growing up in a
country where movies, television and pop music — as well as their peers at
school — constantly present an ideal of romantic fulfillment through dating.
Baba said that dealing with the temptations of adolescence is the most frequent
topic on her talk show for Muslim teenage girls.

Several girls who belong to Muslim youth groups in Northern Virginia said
their faith is tested every spring during prom season. Conservative Muslims see
the prom as a forbidden form of social interaction between the two sexes.

"Everybody’s just talking about prom in class," said Mouna Kamoun, 17, a
junior at Herndon High School and one of several girls who said they agonized
over whether to attend their school’s dance. "I mean, you are in high school;
it’s the topic. You want to do it. . . . But when it comes to it, your
religion basically has to outweigh" desire.

Kamoun said she and her parents ultimately agreed that going to the Herndon
High prom, which was being held this weekend, would violate the rules against
physical intimacy. Besides, she said, her religion instructs women to clothe
themselves almost completely, and "it’s really hard to find a dress that would
cover me. Everything’s sleeveless or too short."

Looking ahead to marriage, several of the girls said they planned to rely on
their families rather than the Internet to find a husband.

"So many people think it’s an arranged marriage because parents have so much
to do with it," said Afra Khan, 16, a sophomore at Thomas Jefferson High School
for Science and Technology in Fairfax County. "But it’s not. . . . It’s much
more of two families coming together."

Wafa Unus, 17, a junior at Herndon High, agreed. "I don’t think dating is
essential for meeting someone," she said.

But she conceded that she occasionally struggles with boy issues. Like any
teenager, she said, she has developed crushes. And because of her religion, she
has had to suppress those feelings.

"A lot of Islam is patience," she said.

 

 

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